They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
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I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Lmaoo 😂
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
The options really are this bad
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
my professor scared me for a second
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Well well well…
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?