Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
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Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Wait for it
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now