Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of GoodZiIIa's best tweets

@GoodZiIIa : me: officer there's a suspicious looking van parked outside cop: does it look shady? me: yeah it's actually a pretty good parking spot

@GoodZiIIa: doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they're ALL broken?!

@GoodZiIIa: doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards

@GoodZiIIa: wife: the car battery is dead and i'm gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?

@GoodZiIIa: me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

@GoodZiIIa: me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don't

@GoodZiIIa: me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

@GoodZiIIa: [after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

@GoodZiIIa: me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

@GoodZiIIa: [police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that's a dalmation