Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of GoodZiIIa's best tweets

@GoodZiIIa : doctor: your body is weak. take care of it mobster: got it [later, gun to his chest] mobster: doctor sends his regards

@GoodZiIIa: wife: the car battery is dead and i'm gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?

@GoodZiIIa: me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

@GoodZiIIa: me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don't

@GoodZiIIa: me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

@GoodZiIIa: [after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

@GoodZiIIa: me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

@GoodZiIIa: [police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that's a dalmation

@GoodZiIIa: [after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don't vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn't vote either

@GoodZiIIa: [date]

me: *don't let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks