By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
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In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?