Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Gooooats's best tweets

@Gooooats : My wife changed her relationship status to “irritated”

@Gooooats: Oh, you're a fan of music? Name one song.

@Gooooats: Meghan Markle is going to be bummed when she finds out that her royal duties include getting up at 3:00 every morning to wind up Big Ben.

@Gooooats: My daughter can just cut and paste into google translate to do her French homework, and she learns nothing. When I was her age I had to learn nothing the hard way.

@Gooooats: A surprisingly large amount of responsibility also comes with zero power.

@Gooooats: I can no longer remember if I'm wearing clothes under this huge pile of candy wrappers.

@Gooooats: Me: I love you.
Her: ...
Me: ...
Her: ...
Me: tah. I love Utah. So many national parks.

@Gooooats: If you ask me to hold a bag of any kind of candy, all the red ones will be gone before you get it back.

@Gooooats: According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.

@Gooooats: Instead of food, I put a note in my kid's lunchbox that says, "just steal a sandwich from one of the weaker children."