Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Gooooats's best tweets

@Gooooats : Me: I love you. Her: ... Me: ... Her: ... Me: tah. I love Utah. So many national parks.

@Gooooats: If you ask me to hold a bag of any kind of candy, all the red ones will be gone before you get it back.

@Gooooats: According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.

@Gooooats: Instead of food, I put a note in my kid's lunchbox that says, "just steal a sandwich from one of the weaker children."

@Gooooats: I think this coworker I’ve been working with for 13 years is starting to suspect I don’t know his name.

@Gooooats: *uses a bomb disposal robot to open a tube of crescent rolls*

@Gooooats: Nothing is more terrifying than hearing your wife yelling at your kids about something only to have them respond, “but dad said we could!”

@Gooooats: My toddler just asked, "Where's mom?" and I told him to go ask his mom. He accepted this response and went off to ask her.

@Gooooats: Her: Please stop having loud, moany, slapping sex in your tent. This is a family campground.
Me: That was just me eating ribs.

@Gooooats: My wife tricked me into marrying her by laughing at my jokes when we were dating.