@Gooooats: My toddler just asked, "Where's mom?" and I told him to go ask his mom. He accepted this response and went off to ask her.
@Gooooats: Her: Please stop having loud, moany, slapping sex in your tent. This is a family campground.
Me: That was just me eating ribs.
@Gooooats: My wife tricked me into marrying her by laughing at my jokes when we were dating.
@Gooooats: Oh, you want to know if I'm a good kisser?
*puts cherry stem in mouth*
*spits out entire wicker bed and makes out with you on it*
@Gooooats: Drive by shootings are just one more example of Americans being too lazy to get out of their cars.
@Gooooats: "One good thing about me is that I'm a great listener," I said while some kind of noise came out of her face.
@Gooooats: Me: you're going to bed in 5 minutes.
Toddler: No. Twenty minutes!
Me: Ok. *puts him to bed in 2 minutes because he has no concept of time*
@Gooooats: Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Also, this is America so they all have guns.
@Gooooats: Me: What's for dinner?
Me: Wrong! (hands wife forged doctor's prescription for tacos) We're eating tacos.