Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Gooooats's best tweets

@Gooooats : Nothing is more terrifying than hearing your wife yelling at your kids about something only to have them respond, “but dad said we could!”

@Gooooats: My toddler just asked, "Where's mom?" and I told him to go ask his mom. He accepted this response and went off to ask her.

@Gooooats: Her: Please stop having loud, moany, slapping sex in your tent. This is a family campground.
Me: That was just me eating ribs.

@Gooooats: My wife tricked me into marrying her by laughing at my jokes when we were dating.

@Gooooats: Oh, you want to know if I'm a good kisser?

*puts cherry stem in mouth*

*spits out entire wicker bed and makes out with you on it*

@Gooooats: Drive by shootings are just one more example of Americans being too lazy to get out of their cars.

@Gooooats: "One good thing about me is that I'm a great listener," I said while some kind of noise came out of her face.

@Gooooats: Me: you're going to bed in 5 minutes.
Toddler: No. Twenty minutes!
Me: Ok. *puts him to bed in 2 minutes because he has no concept of time*

@Gooooats: Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Also, this is America so they all have guns.

@Gooooats: Me: What's for dinner?
Wife: Casserole.
Me: Wrong! (hands wife forged doctor's prescription for tacos) We're eating tacos.