This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
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reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
😏😏😏
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”