Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Gooooats's best tweets

@Gooooats : Oh, you want to know if I'm a good kisser? *puts cherry stem in mouth* *spits out entire wicker bed and makes out with you on it*

@Gooooats: Drive by shootings are just one more example of Americans being too lazy to get out of their cars.

@Gooooats: "One good thing about me is that I'm a great listener," I said while some kind of noise came out of her face.

@Gooooats: Me: you're going to bed in 5 minutes.
Toddler: No. Twenty minutes!
Me: Ok. *puts him to bed in 2 minutes because he has no concept of time*

@Gooooats: Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Also, this is America so they all have guns.

@Gooooats: Me: What's for dinner?
Wife: Casserole.
Me: Wrong! (hands wife forged doctor's prescription for tacos) We're eating tacos.

@Gooooats: My Eight Year Old: Why do I have to learn cursive?
Me: Literally no reason at all.

@Gooooats: By this time of year baby Jesus was probably already totally sick of playing with his frankincense.

@Gooooats: Instead of donating my body to science, I'll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.

@Gooooats: I'm a Civil War reenactor but I only reenact the time General Ambrose Burnside took a three hour nap.