@Gooooats: "One good thing about me is that I'm a great listener," I said while some kind of noise came out of her face.
@Gooooats: Me: you're going to bed in 5 minutes.
Toddler: No. Twenty minutes!
Me: Ok. *puts him to bed in 2 minutes because he has no concept of time*
@Gooooats: Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Also, this is America so they all have guns.
@Gooooats: Me: What's for dinner?
Me: Wrong! (hands wife forged doctor's prescription for tacos) We're eating tacos.
@Gooooats: My Eight Year Old: Why do I have to learn cursive?
Me: Literally no reason at all.
@Gooooats: By this time of year baby Jesus was probably already totally sick of playing with his frankincense.
@Gooooats: Instead of donating my body to science, I'll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.
@Gooooats: I'm a Civil War reenactor but I only reenact the time General Ambrose Burnside took a three hour nap.
@Gooooats: Sometimes I correctly spell a word I expected to spell incorrectly and then I type some gibberish to make sure spellcheck is still working.