“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
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A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Happy Taco Tuesday
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.