My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
You Might Also Like
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
men are simple creatures
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Happy Taco Tuesday