If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
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Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically