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[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Baller is short for ballerina
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
This is a whole mood;
hmm conte-me mais
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.