Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
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Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
got so much cardio in today
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.