I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
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*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.