Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Gre_Gone's best tweets

@Gre_Gone : Me: Got any 7s? Wife: Go fish Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

@Gre_Gone: Me: "I feel like I'm 90 years old."
My Skin: "Let's go through puberty again."

@Gre_Gone: *rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
"Nice."

@Gre_Gone: Taxidermist's Wife: Whatcha thinkin' about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

@Gre_Gone: *horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

@Gre_Gone: Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

@Gre_Gone: Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*

@Gre_Gone: Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

@Gre_Gone: Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don't understand.
Me: There's a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH

@Gre_Gone: [Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I'm not kissing your Honey Boo Boo