[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
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Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.