Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
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Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
🙁
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes