Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
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doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic