*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
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If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.