I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
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If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Stop it! 😂
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
courtroom exchange of the day
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?