I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
You Might Also Like
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.