Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
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God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever