Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
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If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?