Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
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Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Facebook marketplace is a different world
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I have so many questions.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment