killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
You Might Also Like
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Google assistant rules
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age