Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of GrowlyGrego's best tweets

@GrowlyGrego : *approaches pond* *water recedes* *turns away* *water returns* What the ?? *approaches pond* *water recedes* Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

@GrowlyGrego: Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
"fine by me!"
"you bet!"
"sounds good!"
"NO"
Sir, please leave.
"NO"
Okay.

@GrowlyGrego: Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don't know when or where it is

@GrowlyGrego: "Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible."

-Low-hanging fruit

@GrowlyGrego: *wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN'T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

@GrowlyGrego: *breaks into your house at night*
*finds your bedroom*
*blows on you til you wake up*
HI I'M CHET CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A SECURITY SYSTEM?

@GrowlyGrego: It's like my racist grandpa used to say: "Good morning."

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn't one of them.

@GrowlyGrego: My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.

@GrowlyGrego: [at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
"Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!"
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

@GrowlyGrego: Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.