Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of GrowlyGrego's best tweets

@GrowlyGrego : [First date] DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself. ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow. DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting? ME: It’s not my arm.

@GrowlyGrego: YOU'VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You're goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

@GrowlyGrego: *approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

@GrowlyGrego: Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
"fine by me!"
"you bet!"
"sounds good!"
"NO"
Sir, please leave.
"NO"
Okay.

@GrowlyGrego: Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don't know when or where it is

@GrowlyGrego: "Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible."

-Low-hanging fruit

@GrowlyGrego: *wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN'T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

@GrowlyGrego: *breaks into your house at night*
*finds your bedroom*
*blows on you til you wake up*
HI I'M CHET CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A SECURITY SYSTEM?

@GrowlyGrego: It's like my racist grandpa used to say: "Good morning."

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn't one of them.

@GrowlyGrego: My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.