My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
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Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
All generalizations are stupid.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
me adding lol on a serious message
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man