My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
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Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Does beer think about me too?
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Nice try, NASA
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks