the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
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Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?