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Page of Gupton68's best tweets

@Gupton68 : The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

@Gupton68: I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

@Gupton68: *adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we're really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

@Gupton68: Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.

*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though

@Gupton68: Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible

Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank

@Gupton68: *walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

@Gupton68: [planning a family vacation]

Me: ...then we'll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That's quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

@Gupton68: Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

@Gupton68: Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

@Gupton68: Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?