Funny Tweeter

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Page of Gupton68's best tweets

@Gupton68 : I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

@Gupton68: The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I've resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.

@Gupton68: The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

@Gupton68: Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

@Gupton68: I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

@Gupton68: Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I'm leaving you for my boss

M: Don't go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you

@Gupton68: It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’

@Gupton68: *being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*

@Gupton68: Wife: I won't ask again, take the trash out!

Me: OK, ok. I'm doing it!

[3 days later]

W: Can you take the trash out?

M: No way!

W: *angry* I beg your pardon?

M: *shrugging* You promised you'd never ask me again

W: I despise you

@Gupton68: Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is 'why can't I remember what the question is?'