Funny Tweeter

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Page of Gupton68's best tweets

@Gupton68 : Alexa, why can’t you just play the original version of the song I asked for, not the reimagined or remastered or recut version? Who do you think you are, George fucking Lucas?

@Gupton68: Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

@Gupton68: Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

@Gupton68: If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

@Gupton68: My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit', instead.

Now she thinks I'm both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

@Gupton68: I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

@Gupton68: Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.

@Gupton68: Her: How do you like your bacon?

Me: In bulk

@Gupton68: It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.

@Gupton68: Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.