facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
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interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.