Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
You Might Also Like
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
new record!
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.