what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
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Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
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Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls