amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
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[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]