PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
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I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.