Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of HMittelmark's best tweets

@HMittelmark : Have my doubts about this "smart water," considering how easily it's captured and bottled.

@HMittelmark: There is nothing like the sound of a child's laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

@HMittelmark: If somebody at a party tells you they're a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, "DID YOU WRITE THIS?"

@HMittelmark: Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.