Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
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Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
My life coach traded me.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”