Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
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I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .