Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
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philosophical skeletons be like
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.