There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
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Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok