Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
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moms in horror movies
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
The internet is magic sometimes.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.