My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
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still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.