Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
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A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.