Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
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[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
I’m sure it’s fine.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Selfie