She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
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As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.