A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
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Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh