*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
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I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Perfect.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?