Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
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After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”