Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of HatfieldAnne's best tweets

@HatfieldAnne : Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.

@HatfieldAnne: I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it's come to this” leggings.

@HatfieldAnne: I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

@HatfieldAnne: How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.

@HatfieldAnne: If I'm reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

@HatfieldAnne: These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

@HatfieldAnne: This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

@HatfieldAnne: You've ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

@HatfieldAnne: Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

@HatfieldAnne: The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.