Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of HatfieldAnne's best tweets

@HatfieldAnne : Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

@HatfieldAnne: When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

@HatfieldAnne: “What Would Princess Diana Look Like If She Was Alive Today?” I clicked on this. Older.

@HatfieldAnne: Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

@HatfieldAnne: I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

@HatfieldAnne: I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

@HatfieldAnne: *switches the place cards so I'm sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

@HatfieldAnne: Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

@HatfieldAnne: Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils

@HatfieldAnne: [on neighbor's porch]
I am here to purchase the dog you neglect. Either you take this money now or I will use it myself to post bail later.