@HatfieldAnne: I can't believe I have to say this every year. Don't share lip balm, you guys. That's how the dry skin spreads.
@HatfieldAnne: This is the year I declare war on harmless euphemisms. First up: “It defies physics.” No, it doesn't. Nothing does.
@HatfieldAnne: "Anybody got any change?"
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, "It's go time."
@HatfieldAnne: The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
@HatfieldAnne: And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
@HatfieldAnne: I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
@HatfieldAnne: Learn to ask more specific questions. It's not “How do I look?” It's “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
@HatfieldAnne: I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I'm a biter.