Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of HatfieldAnne's best tweets

@HatfieldAnne : [on neighbor's porch] I am here to purchase the dog you neglect. Either you take this money now or I will use it myself to post bail later.

@HatfieldAnne: The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

@HatfieldAnne: TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

@HatfieldAnne: My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there's movement in my periphery, but I've got posture like a Marine.

@HatfieldAnne: “Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We're sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

@HatfieldAnne: “IN my period? ON my period? Ooo…maybe use ‘menses’ instead?”

I chew my pen thoughtfully. You can't rush a good jury duty excuse letter.

@HatfieldAnne: I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.

@HatfieldAnne: Um, guys, whaddya do with a 5 y.o. at an aquarium who's hysterical because she sees Dory in a tank and I kind of need to know right now.

@HatfieldAnne: The orthodontist says I'm doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I'm able to put things in my mouth.

@HatfieldAnne: “Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I've understood.