Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of HatfieldAnne's best tweets

@HatfieldAnne : Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

@HatfieldAnne: I can't believe I have to say this every year. Don't share lip balm, you guys. That's how the dry skin spreads.

@HatfieldAnne: This is the year I declare war on harmless euphemisms. First up: “It defies physics.” No, it doesn't. Nothing does.

@HatfieldAnne: "Anybody got any change?"
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, "It's go time."

@HatfieldAnne: The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.

@HatfieldAnne: And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

@HatfieldAnne: I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

@HatfieldAnne: Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

@HatfieldAnne: Learn to ask more specific questions. It's not “How do I look?” It's “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

@HatfieldAnne: I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I'm a biter.