The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
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ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.