doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
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PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored