Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
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Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
rapatouille
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
The most important meal of the day is the next one
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago