My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
You Might Also Like
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.