Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
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Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.